Why Feeling Calm All the Time Isn't the Goal

We often talk about wanting to “feel calm,” as though calm is the ultimate goal. But our nervous system was never designed to stay in one state. It’s meant to move. I know from my own experience that for years, my goal around parenting was to always feel calm. And every time a stress response showed up for me (which, of course, it eventually always did) I felt disappointed in myself and that I needed to work harder on being calm.

I've since learnt that our body is built for rhythm. Moving between activation and rest, energy and recovery, stress and release. You breathe in, and then you breathe out. Your heart beats faster, and then it slows again. The same goes for your emotions.

When we label certain states as bad - like anxiety, frustration or anger - we can start to think something’s wrong with us when they show up. But these states are simply your nervous system doing its job: protecting you.

The real issue isn’t that we get triggered or tense sometimes. It’s when your system gets stuck there. That’s what we call dysregulation. Maybe your heart races long after you felt irritated at work or with your kids, or you can’t switch off your thoughts before bed. Maybe you stay numb for days after an argument with your partner, or you keep saying yes when you really want to say no, because you don't want to upset anyone.

The aim isn’t to eliminate all stress from your life and feel calm 100% of the time. It’s to build resilience in your nervous system.

A resilient nervous system will still have a stress response as a result of life's inevitable challenges but the difference is in its ability to bounce back and settle back into a calm state.

For many of us, this resilience is something we have to relearn. It starts by paying attention.

• Notice when you’re holding your breath.

• Notice when you clench your jaw or rush from one task to another.

• Notice when you disconnect or go quiet.

Each time you notice, you have an opportunity to gently remind your body that it's ok to let go of that tension. That’s how regulation begins - not through control, but through awareness, self-compassion, and practice.

So rather than chasing constant calm, pay attention to how easily you can settle again. That’s what true nervous system regulation looks like.

Cassie 💜